All You Zombies (Heinlein)

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Robert A. Heinlein

'—All You Zombies—'

1959

Summary of the Short Story

Microsummary: A temporal agent created their own existence by orchestrating a complex series of events involving time travel, self-seduction, and baby kidnapping, resulting in being their own parents and child.

Short Summary

In a bar in New York City, 1970, a temporal agent posed as a bartender and met with a young writer known as the Unmarried Mother.

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The Bartender (Time Agent) — narrator, temporal agent disguised as a bartender, experienced time traveler, manipulative but purposeful, appears middle-aged.

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The Unmarried Mother (Jane) — 25-year-old writer of confession stories, originally female then male after surgery, childish features, touchy temper, complex character with multiple temporal identities.

The writer shared their story of being born female, left at an orphanage, and later becoming pregnant after a brief romance. After a complicated birth revealed their intersex condition, doctors surgically transformed them into a male. Their baby was kidnapped from the hospital by a mysterious man. Using a time machine, the bartender took the writer to 1963 to confront the man who abandoned them. The writer discovered they were seducing their younger, female self. The bartender then helped kidnap the baby, leaving it at the orphanage in 1945.

The Snake That Eats Its Own Tail, Forever and Ever. I know where I came from—but where did all you zombies come from? I felt a headache coming on, but a headache powder is one thing I do not take.

Detailed Summary

Summary sections do not match original text structure.

A Strange Customer at Pop's Place

In a bar called Pop's Place in November 1970, a bartender was working when the Unmarried Mother came in. The customer was a 25-year-old man who wrote confession stories for magazines.

The Unmarried Mother's Story

After some drinks, the customer shared his extraordinary story. He was born female, left at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. As a young woman named Jane, she dreamed of joining the Women's Emergency National Corps but first worked as a mother's helper. There she met a mysterious man who seduced her and disappeared.

I was as ruined as a woman can be; that bum really ruined me—I was no longer a woman... and I didn't know how to be a man.

Jane became pregnant and gave birth via cesarean section. During the surgery, doctors discovered she had complete sets of both male and female organs. They removed the female organs and reconstructed her body as male. Before she could recover, her baby daughter was kidnapped from the hospital by a man claiming to be her uncle.

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Baby Jane — infant daughter of Jane, described as looking like an orange monkey, becomes central to the time paradox.

The Time Travel Revelation

The bartender offered to help find the man who ruined Jane's life, revealing himself as a temporal agent. Using a time machine, he took the Unmarried Mother back to 1963. The agent then jumped to 1964, stole Baby Jane from the hospital, and delivered her to the orphanage in 1945.

It's a shock to have it proved to you that you can't resist seducing yourself. I took him to the Apex Building and we jumped again.

Returning to 1963, the agent intercepted the young man who had seduced Jane - revealing that the Unmarried Mother was the mysterious seducer of his own younger female self. The agent then recruited the Unmarried Mother into the Temporal Bureau.

Now you know who he is—and after you think it over you'll know who you are... and if you think hard enough, you'll figure out who the baby is... and who I am.

The Final Paradox

The story concluded with the agent returning to his quarters in 1993, revealing the final twist: he was both the bartender and Jane/the Unmarried Mother, who had been recruited by his future self. He was his own mother, father, and child - a complete time loop with no beginning or end.

It's rough, but somebody must do it, and it's very hard to recruit anyone in the later years, since the Mistake of 1972. Can you think of a better source than to pick people all fouled up where they are?

The agent explained that the Temporal Bureau's work was crucial in preventing disasters like the Fizzle War of 1963, though they couldn't prevent the Mistake of 1972. Looking at the ring on his finger - the Snake That Eats Its Own Tail - he contemplated the paradox of his existence, alone in the dark, missing all the people who were actually just versions of himself.

You aren't really there at all. There isn't anybody but me—Jane—here alone in the dark. I miss you dreadfully!